Increasing your Personal Charisma Through NLP Tools

What is NLP? NLP or Neuro-linguistic Programming is a methodology for modeling the patterns of experts or Peak Performers and then teaching those patterns step-by-step to others. By patterns we are talking about our sequences of words and internal images, feelings, actions, body language as well as the underlying beliefs. NLP experts know they have modeled expert patterns correctly when they can get the same result or outcome as the expert by following the pattern.

For example, I modeled the patterns of a well-known architect. His outcome was to get his clients to approve a design in just one 15-minute design session. He had the clients bring in magazine pictures similar to what they liked. As he began to look through the magazines with them, he asked them to point out what they liked in each photo. He then looked up and to his right, indicting he was mentally picturing the parts that they liked. He did this with about 15 photos.

Then he started doodling and kept looking to his upper right to create an integrated vision out of what he had pictured so far. Then he looked to his upper left to internally view past houses he had created in order to add parts from those houses to the vision. He next looked down to his right, indicating he was getting a feeling about his new creation, he shook his head ‘no’ and then he looked to his lower left, indicating he was talking to himself and considering what he needed to change in the vision to get the feeling he was after. He went through this sequence about five times, drew a sketch, showed it to the clients, and they said: “That is just what we wanted!”

I modeled his pattern and then used it with my husband to create a sketch of a pavilion down on our beach. I went through the pattern above with my husband and it worked. We quickly had a sketch of our new pavilion to implement.

Hundreds of patterns of experts have been modeled using NLP tools.

In this article, we will review some of the WIN/WIN Influencing Patterns that go into the experience of personal charisma, or being so powerful as to up your possibilities of success. An important point to remember is that we cannot ever make someone else change or do something. All we can do is influence or persuade them. The better your influencing skills, the more successful you will be. And the way to improve your influencing patterns is practice, practice, practice.

In this article, we will review the following WIN/WIN Influencing Patterns:

Outcome Clarity – developing a clear mental picture of what you want the outcome of an interaction to be

Pacing to Lead – mirroring a person’s communication style until rapport is built up; then leading a person to a win/win outcome

Persuasive Listening – listening in a way that the person is led to win/win outcomes

Questions – questioning to direct the conversation

Reframing – gently leading the person to a different perspective through giving a different meaning to the situation

‘Outcome Clarity’ Skill – definition: developing a clear mental and written picture of what you want the outcome of an interaction to be. Peak Performers consistently develop clear mental and written pictures of long-term outcomes, short-term outcomes and next step outcomes.

Outcome Clarity –‘How To’ Steps: Practice these steps multiple times.

• Formulate what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Visualize it and write it down (at least at the beginning when you are learning the skills). Ask yourself what is important here? What is the NEXT STEP in this relationship? Is the outcome of the conversation to:
  
  
• develop a deeper relationship and deeper trust?
  
  
• transform the relationship…closer or more distant?
  
  
• stay connected?
  
  
• convince the person of something?
  
  
• sell the person something?
  
  
• fire the person?
  
  
• discover something?
  
  
• spread a seed?
• help the person?
  
  
• get help?
  
  
• establish your expertise?
  
  
• Other?
  (Example: I want the outcome to be to influence the prospect to say ‘YES’ to the sale.”)
  
  
• Answer the question: “How will I know I have gotten my Outcome?”
  (Example: “When the prospect gives me a check.”)
  
  
• Visualize yourself engaged in the conversation …not necessarily the details but the feeling state and the outcome you want. Correct the visualization until it works for you.
  (Example: Close your eyes and imagine yourself talking to the prospect, the prospect nodding and handing you a check. Get the feeling of success.)
  
  
• Be prepared for obstacles that might come up to surprise you.
  (Example: Make sure you have thought through every objection and question the prospect might rise. Make sure you are prepared to stay positive even if you feel angered.)
  
  
• Hold the Outcome clearly in mind when you have the real conversation with the person.
  (Example: Write down that you want to close the sale on a 3X5 card and keep it in view in your notebook while you are speaking to the prospect.)
  
  
• After the conversation is complete and you are alone, mentally view yourself in the situation. Did it go the way you wanted? If not what do you have to learn or do differently to make it work? Imagine what that is and recreate your movie in this new way. Watch yourself in the movie and then step into the movie seeing it through your own eyes.
  

‘Pacing to Lead’ Skill– definition: mirroring a person’s communication style until rapport is built up; then leading a person to a WIN/WIN outcome. Peak Performers have exquisite communication skills. They know that at the beginning of any interaction, you need to make the person feel extremely comfortable.

Pacing to Lead –‘How To’ Steps: Practice these steps multiple times.

• Begin to physically mirror the other person, but not exactly. You do not want to look like a copycat. You only want to make the other person feel comfortable.
  
  
• Mirror the other person’s body posture and facial expressions.
  (Example: If they are crossing their legs, cross yours but in the other direction. If they have hand on chin, put hand somewhere near chin.)
  
  
• Mirror the other person’s breathing. You will learn a lot about the other person by mirroring their breathing. If you do not like the feelings you are getting, immediately stop mirroring.
  
  
  (Example: Watching the rise and fall of the other person’s chest will help you breathe like the other. Just notice the rise and fall and breathe in and out at that rate. You may notice that you get more pictures, feelings or internal dialogue than usual, or the opposite. If that happens, you are getting a sense of the other’s inner experience.)
  
  
• Mirror the other person’s words. As they speak, interrupt and repeat back what they said. Repeat as a question for clarification or as a statement to indicate you get it. Do not use exactly the same words. Just sprinkle their words like salt.
  (Ex. You said you were having money troubles. What kind of troubles do you mean specifically?)
  
  
• If you do not agree with what the other person is saying, do not argue. Instead just repeat back what they said for clarity. You will deal with the content when you lead them.
  (Example: Instead of “I don’t believe that is true.”, you can say: “I can see why you believe that.” or simply: “So you believe that (x) is true? Tell me more.”)
  
  
• Once you feel the two of you are in rapport and a feeling of trust has been established, you can lead them to a WIN/WIN outcome.
  
  
• To lead, begin to slowly change your facial expression and posture, even your breathing, and they will follow if enough rapport has been established. If not, go back to pacing.
  
  
• Then begin to add more of your ideas to the conversation as you feed back to them their own words, now mixed with your thoughts. If you want to convince them of something, then pace for a very long time before switching to leading them.
  
  
• (Example: pacing: “So you say that your company has twenty-five employees and needs more in order to grow but you can not afford them. I understand. Leading: Have you thought about analyzing the work flow of your current work force so that you can perhaps do more with less?”)

‘Persuasive Listening’ Skill – definition: listening in a way that the person is led to WIN/WIN outcomes. Peak Performers focus on the other person and stop their own internal dialogue. They listen to establish rapport and to understand the other. They then use listening as a tool in leading the other person.

Persuasive Listening –‘How To’ Steps: Practice these steps multiple times.

• Clear your mind so that your Outcome is in the background. Make no judgments. Instead, just listen. If you have trouble clearing your mind, here are some suggestions:
  
  
• Three times a day, practice focusing on the flame of a lit candle while noticing your breathing coming in and out. Anytime you notice any thoughts, let them float away and gently come back to your breathing. Do not fight the thoughts, just notice them.
  
  
• Write down what is on your mind to clear your mind before the conversation.
  
  
• During the conversation, write notes about the conversation in a notebook. That way you will stay very focused.
  
  
• Focus on the other person’s lips when you start to drift inward.
  
  
• Every few sentences, repeat back what the other person has said so that they feel understood and you make sure you are understanding. (see pacing to lead above)
  
  
• As you listen and get into deep rapport with the other person, you can begin to lead.
  
  
• You can now use persuasive listening to lead the other person. What is persuasive listening? Persuasive listening is the ability to use listening and feedback to lead the person in the direction of a WIN/WIN Outcome.
  
  
• As you listen, you have choices as how to respond nonverbally. You can nod your head for ‘yes’, shake it ‘no’ or keep still. You can smile, frown or be neutral. These are powerful tools in persuasive listening.
  
  
• Nodding your head in the first part of the conversation as you are listening and smiling will most likely get the other person to feel liked and to feel that you agree with him/her. Once you have nodded your head frequently while you are pacing the other person, you can then use the head nodding to steer the conversation. All you need do is nod and smile to reinforce the direction you want the person to go in and keep still when the person is off track from your intentions.
  
  
• Keeping your head still is interpreted in reference to whether or not you head nods ‘yes’. When you do not head nod, keeping your head still will most likely indicate that you are absorbed and neutral, and nodding negatively will most likely to get the person to see where you disagree. When you do head nod positively, keeping your head still will indicate that you are neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Once the person is used to being reinforced with head nods, he or she will attempt to steer the conversation back to getting those head nods.

Questioning Skill– definition: asking questions to direct the conversation and to get the person to search internally for information that you believe is important. This skill of Peak Performers allows them to control and lead the conversation.

I know a coach who only asks questions and never makes comments. However his comments are embedded in his questions. He influences without seeming to influence by the direction of his questions.

Questioning –‘How To’ Steps: Practice these steps multiple times.

• Get clear on where you want to lead the person. Set that outcome in your mind. For instance, if you want to lead the person to accepting a situation, keep that outcome in mind. Now ask a question that leads the person to the Outcome you want.
  
  
• (Example: Maybe you want to lead them to how much it’s costing them to not make improvements. Question them on that. You can use question stems such as: Have you thought about…? What would you think of…? Have you ever had the experience of…? What would happen if?)
  
  
• You can use the Question Tag – use the tag question to make your point and then turn it into a question.
  (Examples: “You probably haven’t thought of the efficiency of your current work flow, or have you?”; “You probably don’t want to go to the beach, or do you”?
  
  
• You can turn a suggestion into a question.
  (Example: “Have you considered…? Have you realized that what is most important for maintaining rapport is voice tone?”)
  
  
• Note: Most people like quiet positive voices. It makes them feel accepted and acceptable. They also like it if you notice and compliment their strengths. You can turn that into a question that gets them talking about themselves.
  (Example: “Are you aware how much expertise as a manager it must have taken to create all this? How did you do it?”)
  
  
• You can turn a command into a question
  (Example: If the command is ‘Sign the deal’, you can embed it in a question like: “What do you have to do before you sign the deal?”
  
  
• You can use questions to build a case.
  (Example:
  
  
• What do you want?
  
  
• What will that do for you?
  
  
• What has happened instead in the past?
  
  
• How is that a problem?
  
  
• What if we could solve that problem for you, would you be interested?)

Reframing Skill – definition: Gently leading the person to a different perspective through giving a different meaning to the situation. Peak Performers are excellent at reframing. Reframing lets you subtly influence the person in a more win/win fashion. For years I have been influencing groups with the following reframe: It’s not that you can’t do it. It’s that you haven’t learned to learn it yet. That reframe of meaning gives them hope and takes them off the hook. They no longer feel inadequate or stupid.

Reframing –‘How To’ Steps: Practice these steps multiple times.

• Clear your mind and keep your Outcome on a piece of paper in front of you.
  
  
• Develop rapport through mirroring.
  
  
• Start to lead through persuasive listening and questioning.
  
  
• Listen carefully to what the person is saying. As you are listening, ask yourself what you agree and what you disagree with. How would you think about it differently?
  (Example: For instance a person who can’t seem to make any sales and feels bad, like a failure - you can say: “Yes, making sales is difficult. I wonder what you would need to learn in order to make those sales.”
  
  
• Continue to notice when their communication is leading them to a dead end and they do not seem to have any ideas for solving the problem.
  
  
• You can tell when a person’s thinking is leading them to a dead end. That happens when they recycle their thoughts. It’s like there is no way out. So if the person keeps saying: "It’s hopeless.", you know they have reached a dead end. You can then reframe their thoughts to open up the dead end.
  (Example: “You think its hopeless…I know someone else who had this problem and began to challenge himself as to what was making him feel this way. Finding out how the worry behavior protects you will give you clues as to how you have to solve this question. (The last sentence is a reframe of ‘hopeless’ to ‘worry behavior’.)
  
  
• If the person does not buy into your reframe, return to pacing. After awhile try leading with a reframe again. When you produce a reframe that is acceptable, the person will start moving in that direction. However, a word of caution… some people are so caught by their own patterns that they will not be influenced at all. If it is a sale you are after, these people will often convince themselves.
  (Example: For instance, you can ask them about a sale: “Are you ready to sign a contract?” If they come up with an objection, such as its too expensive, you can say: “Yes it is expensive. What would justify it as a high value to you?”

Conclusion – Increasing your personal charisma is possible, with practice. The above strategies are just a small sample of what we at PeakSkills Learning Systems teach in our basic Extraordinary Self Program as well as follow-on programs. Please contact us at dkramer@peakskillslearning.com to discover how you can transform your mind, and transform ‘fearing’ into ‘learning’ through the Extraordinary Self Program: From Good to Extraordinary in 7 Steps.

About Dr. Diane Kramer - Diane Kramer is committed to empowering organizations and individuals to transform to high levels of excellence. Currently she is leading a nationwide team in presenting the Extraordinary Self Program, a system of inner transformation for outer success. Her vast experience as a trainer, coach and designer of breakthrough training systems has won her wide acclaim with such clients as: SunGlass Hut, Barnes and Noble, KeySpan Energy, the World Health Organization, Washington Mutual Bank, First Data Corporation, Bank of America and General Electric. Dr. Kramer is the author of The Creativity Game, a book on innovation and creative-problem solving.